MARTIN CAREY | Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Life Assurance Ministries Board Member |
“Yes, you do have cancer.” My wife Sharon sat across from the doctor, stunned and confused. She had come to the appointment with this specialist to hear test results, not knowing what to expect. Back in January, her appendicitis surgery seemed pretty benign, but the surgeon did not like what she saw, so she ordered more tests. Those results led to another surgery in May that removed a third of her colon. The intention was to halt the spread of unseen malignant cells.
Sharon has now met twice with a prominent oncology surgeon who showed us images of another mass that must be removed. He has done his best to answer our questions accurately, and we are grateful for him, but questions remain. We are expecting another surgery in January, all the while pleading God to guide the surgery team and bring healing and peace of mind.
We have known of Sharon’s cancer diagnosis for nearly 6 months, but the reality hasn’t settled in, especially for me. We understand this to be a slow-growing cancer, but our sense of mortality grows along with it. Sharon is her usual sweet and busy self, but I know she suffers pain, fatigue, and worry. Suffering shapes our outlook. Everything in our lives looks different to us, in subtle ways. We remember Moses’ words in Psalm 90,
“So teach us to number our daysthat we may get a heart of wisdom. Return, O Lord! How long?Have pity on your servants!”—Psalm 90:12-13
We all know our days are numbered by the Lord, but when a life-changing event suddenly confronts us, we are overwhelmed and disoriented. Sharon’s cancer demands greater mental and spiritual strength that we don’t have. We know we are not strong enough for a cancer future, and at times we feel overwhelmed. We ask ourselves, “Are we traumatized?” We know many people who endure crises much more dire that ours. So what is “trauma?” It is common nowadays to hear people claim they are traumatized by ordinary irritations. As a counselor, I hear of severe, life-changing events, including bad car accidents, severe illnesses and injuries, horrific abuse histories, and the terrors of military combat. Such devastating events impact people over their lifetimes, and we Christians need to understand real suffering.
Christian counselor Darby Strickland has provided a helpful definition of trauma:
“The term traumatized refers to someone who has been severely impacted by a devastating event that was 1) sudden and unpredictable, 2) life-threatening, or 3) a profound violation of trust. People may also be traumatized when they are overwhelmed by a series of adverse experiences, such as childhood abuse, war, or domestic violence.”—Stickland, When It’s Trauma, 16
As Christians, we might object to the idea of being a trauma victim, believing that we have spiritual resources that the world does not have, so therefore, we should not feel overwhelmed by tragic events. “Just have faith,” some may say, “Give it to God, be strong, stop worrying.” We’ve all heard the Christian saying, “God will never give us more than we can handle.” That saying carries the unspoken assumption that God expects us to “handle things,” to be self-reliant, to carry our deepest suffering without complaint. We expect others to do the same.
King David had a different approach with God. Have you ever felt a little uncomfortable with some of the Psalms of lament? I have. David sure knew how to complain:
“O Lord, God of my salvation, I cry out day and night before you. Let my prayer come before you; incline your ear to my cry! For my soul is full of troubles, and my life draws near to Sheol.” —Psalm 88:1-2
We can do what David did with his troubles by taking our lament to God. The high and holy One who inhabits eternity want us to speak with Him from our low places.
“I dwell in the high and holy place, and also with him who is of a contrite and lowly spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly,and to revive the heart of the contrite.” —Isaiah 57:15
We are to approach the throne of grace with a contrite and lowly spirit, child-like and hurting. We can tell Him about our pain and weakness with more common words and less grand eloquence.
Prayers of lament are not reserved only for those especially bad moments.
“Lamenting is relearning our humanity. Lamenting is admitting that we can’t handle it, knowing we need God’s power, mercy, and grace. If we could handle our sufferings, we wouldn’t need Jesus, his cross, his power, and his resurrection. Lamenting is how we grieve as those who have hope.”—J.A. Medders, You Cannot Handle Your Pain, Desiring God
Traumatic events make us feel messed up because they remove our sense of self-reliance and self-sufficiency. That is why, for those who trust in Jesus, those events are tools in His hands, not ours, to teach us how much we need Him. We are good at fooling ourselves. Some trauma victims have learned to hide their fears and feelings, wearing a convincing mask. They don’t feel safe sharing what happened with anyone. You probably know such people, but are unaware of their hurt because they hide it well.
Safety and belonging are basic human needs that we should expect in a loving home. Loving parents do their best to protect and provide for their children, so they will have a basic sense of safety and belonging. People who did not grow up with that safety and belonging will often have troubled souls and behaviors. They tend to operate in a “fight or flight” mode, tend to distrust others, leading to relational conflicts. Traumatic events remove that sense of safety and belonging, and persons affected will have long term emotional, physical, and spiritual consequences.
Trauma impacts the person’s entire being. They often struggle with mental functions, such as not thinking clearly, poor memory, and trouble keeping their thoughts organized. Relationships are difficult when you have trouble trusting others and forming loving attachments. Those sufferers often have trouble keeping proper relational boundaries. Victims of abuse often live with constant guilt and shame, feeling responsible for the traumatic events they endured, feeling dirty, unlovable, and misunderstood. Emotionally, their feelings may get out of control easily, with sudden anger, and difficulty regulating their emotions. They can be hard to live with, and we are tempted to avoid them. A common result of trauma is social isolation.
Traumatic events have a strong impact on our spiritual being. The traumatized person will often question God’s goodness, hold on to anger at Him, and doubt His existence. Religious obligations may feel oppressive and arbitrary, and the person may rebel against moral standards. Some, however, may develop an extreme sense of religiosity, and be drawn to spiritual overachieving, perfectionism, and become judgmental. Such persons are especially vulnerable to cults and oppressive religions.
Religious people sometimes show a tendency to consider those who suffer diseases or mental dysfunction as architects of their own misery. Personally, I have been guilty of looking for hidden faults in people to explain their troubles. I’ve had to repent of my non-gospel responses to suffering people. We grew up in an Adventist culture of lifestyle perfection and physical “wellness.” We thought that if we lived right, we would have “none of these diseases.” No faithful Adventist living in the Blue Zone should have cancer.
While I was immersed in that culture, I would hear of someone’s chronic illness or suffering, and would question their faithfulness to the principles of Godly living. You could say I had a serious compassion deficit. Praise God for the real gospel of Jesus that rescues us from all unrighteous guilt and the judgments of others.
How Can We Help Them?
Oh, how these sufferers need the loving presence of patient and understanding Christians! First of all, we need to pray for the ability to see those who suffer instead of avoiding them. We need to seek gentle, patient ways to understand and connect. We want to be slower in trying to fix their troubles, and quicker to listen and understand. Suffering people are the most isolated amongst us, and they need the loving presence of others. The church needs to be a safe place for damaged and guilty doubters (Strickland, 27).
The gospel is both disturbing and beautiful. When we learn of our fatal guilt and lost condition, we fear the terrible wrath of God towards us, and that could be traumatizing. Then we hear of the Father loving us and of His Son willingly going to the cross to become sin for us. We can believe in Him and receive eternal life. He gives us a new identity, “child of God,” and no one can take that away. He makes us spiritually alive in Jesus, and sends His Spirit to live in us forever (John 14:16-17). The gospel shows us a God who never abandons the children that He has purchased with His own blood.
The gospel permanently answers all of our guilt and shame.You don’t have to figure out all the details of how you went wrong, or who is responsible for your pain. Only God knows, and He dealt with all our sins in Jesus’ body on the cross. That is why the Father has given all judgment to His Son (John 5:21-23). He will judge and bring full justice to every unrepentant abuser.
As members of Christ’s body, we need to pray for wisdom in reaching out to sufferers of trauma and abuse. We need His wisdom on how to love them in ways they really need. And as difficult as this may be for you trauma sufferers, you need to the regular fellowship of other gospel-loving Christians. All that guilt that you feel from your trauma has an answer in your new identity in Jesus. You may not feel it now, but you can believe it. Feelings lie, but God’s word is good. Keep remembering who you really belong to. Satan is the accuser and liar who is silenced by Jesus, our redeemer and intercessor.
“Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us.”—Romans 8:33-34
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