MARTIN CAREY | Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Life Assurance Ministries Board Member |
“But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. For he himself is our peace, who has made us both one and has broken down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility by abolishing the law of commandments expressed in ordinances, that he might create in himself one new man in place of the two, so making peace, and might reconcile us both to God in one body through the cross, thereby killing the hostility.”—Ephesians 2:13-16
If we had to choose one word to describe what we see in the world news today, we could say “Hostility!” Peaceful world order eludes the nations and their leaders, as we see them rage. As Christians, we expect those conflicts to become even worse, just as Jesus told us they will until He comes to rule. Differences in politics and religion have always divided nations and brought the threat of more devastating wars. Political hostility is alive and well everywhere, but what we Christians don’t expect are the hostile conflicts we endure much closer to home. For many Christian families, wars among spouses and children plague their daily lives.
We know that disagreements and tensions are a normal part of family life, and that God’s word guides us towards reconciliation. However, we find those lingering, smoldering conflicts that flare up into verbal and physical abuse. Families want to reconcile, but find it impossible and become discouraged. I am speaking of Christian families who pray, attend church, and who love Jesus but still fight behind closed doors. So many hide their conflicts in shame. How can this be? There are many factors that we could discuss that contribute to marital and family conflicts. In this article however, I want to focus on one central theme in relationships that underlies so much unresolved conflict and hostility. We can fail to walk in a manner worthy of the gospel (Philippians 1:27). So many religious people don’t understand the gospel or else believe a false gospel, and their Christian lives and relationships suffer. So let’s look at the New Testament gospel’s central theme: reconciliation through the forgiveness of sins.
The Message of Reconciliation
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation.”—2 Corinthians 5:17-19
Christians are new creations who possess a new nature, who are spiritually alive to God. He gives us that new life through the Holy Spirit when we receive Christ by believing the gospel. New spiritual life is lived out with new values, new thinking, and more loving behavior. But what is that gospel? The gospel truth is that “in Christ, God was reconciling the world to Himself,” not counting our sins against us. We see this gospel that saves us clearly stated in 1 Corinthians 15:1-4, where Paul reminds us that Jesus died for our sins, was buried, and rose again, all according to Scripture. Because Jesus died for our sins and rose again, we are forgiven and reconciled and have peace with God, even though we are sinners who deserve punishment. Reconciliation with God, by Jesus’ blood for the forgiveness of sins, is the gospel that continues to save us.
“Ok,” you might say, “that’s good, we already believe in Jesus. But here in our marriage, my wife and I have been fighting for years. We have wounds and anger that are just too deep. We have tried everything.” As a Christian counselor, I hear these things from sincere Christians who want real change. Those wounds and anger are very real, and I don’t want to minimize their struggles. I tell them how the gospel goes deeper and more real than their worst emotions, all the way to murderous rage, blood, and death. At the cross of Jesus shows us that God doesn’t minimize or deny the depth of sin. Before God, sins’ results are worse that we think. Sin is fatal and eternal. That is why reconciliation and forgiveness required the death of Jesus. Reconciliation with God was our first and greatest need, before anything else could be made right.
The Ingredients of Reconciliation
Gospel reconciliation becomes reality when he hear the word of Christ and believe in Him (Romans 10:17). Reconciliation starts when we repent and believe in Jesus’ death for us. It continues in our relationships only because we are at peace with God. Relationships with fellow sinners are hard, so we need Jesus in frequent doses. We fellowship with Him by prayer, reading His word, and preaching the gospel to ourselves every day. What will heal our relationships? Living in the fragrant atmosphere of trusting in Jesus to carry us through, and extending that forgiveness to others. We have been forgiven much, so we have big reasons to forgive much.
Warfare and Weapons
The Christian life is continuous spiritual warfare, as Paul tells us in Ephesians 6. As much as we fight against each other, our real battle is with unseen powers who would destroy us. Our adversary is called Satan, “Accuser”, because that is what he does, day and night. Jesus exposes Satan as a liar and murderer (Jn. 8:44) who accuses and tries to deceive in order to destroy us. We can easily underestimate his ability to deceive us with his schemes. One of the Devil’s best tricks is to feed our sense of grievance. When we hold a grudge, even a tiny little one, we are being manipulated. Paul speaks of these schemes:
“Anyone you forgive, I also forgive. And what I have forgiven, if there was anything to forgive, I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes.”—2 Corinthians 2:10-11
Even though the man Paul is speaking of here did damage to the church and Paul’s reputation, he wanted them to forgive and comfort that man. To withhold that forgiveness, they would have fallen for Satan’s scheme. Forgiving others who have wronged us is hard. We want justice, we want to make them pay in a way that allows us to feel vindicated and righteous, of course. Paul warns the Romans of this tendency:
“Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for the God’s wrath, for it is written, ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord.”—Romans 12:17–19
I can tell myself that my efforts to make someone feel my righteous anger in a subtle but effective way is perfectly justified. After all, they deserve it, don’t they? Some of you have suffered terribly at the hands of abusive people, and your lives have been affected deeply. God is judge, and abusers will not get away with their crimes. Scripture assures us that no one gets away with evil without proper payment. Either we will pay for our evil in the Lake of Fire, or we will believe in Jesus paying for our sins on the Cross.
Forgiveness is a tremendous offensive weapon in our spiritual warfare. Satan hates it when we forgive those who hurt us, when his weapons of accusations and vengeance are defeated. Forgiveness makes peace and kills the hostility between us (Eph. 2:15-16). The command to forgive is especially hard for victims of repeated abuse. We remember that Jesus told us to forgive repeat offenders:
“Pay attention to yourselves!” he warns. “If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him”—Luke 17:3–4.
What kind of forgiveness can you give to the offender who does not repent? An abuser who is unrepentant and continues his sin is actually an enemy. What did Jesus say to do with enemies?
“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven.” Matthew 5:43
Enemy love is different from loving your trusted friends, to be sure. Fellowship, trust, and friendship may not be possible with the unrepentant abuser. We want to very clear that loving and blessing someone is at opposite poles from holding a grudge and finding ways to make them suffer for their sin. When we pray for our persecutors, God will change our hearts, and often theirs. As John Piper writes,
“They are still our enemies when we do that. They have not asked for any forgiveness, and they don’t think they need any, making life miserable for us — and they think they ought to. We are to bless them, and that blessing means that our part of the inward forgiveness has happened. The opposite of forgiveness is holding a grudge, but blessing is the opposite of holding a grudge, and so blessing is a kind of forgiving.” —(John Piper, Can I Forgive Someone Who Doesn’t Confess Wronging Me? Ask Pastor John, Desiring God)
Winning Battles with Truth
We can forget, our adversary was soundly defeated on the cross. Keeping the genuine gospel front and center is a winning strategy against our adversary, the Accuser. As we have seen, his accusations against us are null and void. Jesus’ blood on His cross paid for our sins now and forever. That is why any teaching that diminishes or delays the atonement completed by Jesus, for our complete forgiveness of sins, is a false gospel. One such distorted gospel is found in the Great Controversy, where Ellen White makes forgiveness of sins provisional. Sins are not “blotted” out until after the investigative judgment, after “Probation” closes, after we have perfected our characters, and after the universe is “clean.” White stated some of her conditions for salvation conditions here:
“All who have truly repented of sin, and by faith claimed the blood of Christ as their atoning sacrifice, had had pardon entered against their names in the books of heave; as they have become partakers of the righteousness of Christ, and their characters are found to be in harmony with the law of God, their sins will be blotted out, and they themselves will be accounted worthy of eternal life.” (The Great Controversy, 483)
In her book The Desire of Ages, in the chapter “It is Finished,” Ellen White describes her version of Jesus’ death on the cross as God’s answer to Satan’s charges that God’s law was unjust and could not be kept. Jesus had to die to demonstrate how evil Satan’s principles of “government” are, before a watching universe (Desire of Ages, 667). For Ellen White, Jesus’ death on the cross was not primarily about Jesus paying our debt so our sins might be forgiven. The cross could only partially answer Satan’s accusations towards God and fell short of making a full payment for sins. In White’s Great Controversy, Satan’s challenging God keeps the universe confused and keeps him at center stage in world history.
Ambassadors of Peace
Even though making peace with others can be very hard, those in Christ are given a great gift. Since we are justified by faith, we have peace with God. That solved our greatest problem, for God was, by far, our greatest enemy. Anyone else’s wrath and malice are nothing compared to God’s wrath. Our accuser, Satan, was stripped of his greatest weapon against us, our guilt. We no longer fear death, for the sting of death is unforgiven sin. That sting is gone when we have assurance that our sins are not held against us, not even in the heavenly sanctuary. If we claim that God is holding our sins there, we make God out to be a liar.
When we know we are fully forgiven, we can freely forgive others with all our hearts, without reservations. We are not ruled by our sinful natures, accusing and fearing others’ accusations or condemnation. We will no longer feel we have to always be innocent or right. We can back down, apologize and confess to each other. Conflicts are fed our keeping our own records of debt, of grievances, anger, hurt, guilt, and accusation. And those annoyances and grievances we feel from family members? Forgiven people can bear one another’s faults. Remember, if you trust in Jesus who paid for your sins once and for all, you are not on probation or parole with God! You are free to forgive and live in peace.
“So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful.” —Colossians 3:12-15
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