We Got Mail

Colleen Tinker, Feature, Letters to the Editor

Help! I’m Married To an Adventist And Fear For My Children

I am married to an Adventist, and I myself am a child of an Adventist pastor. I have grown up in Adventism and am just now receiving the gospel. 

My marriage has deteriorated in so many ways, and I feel betrayed and disappointed…My husband is enmeshed with his family and emotionally neglectful. He hasn’t been able to leave and cleave and has such alliance to his family of origin…I am upset because I married him thinking he would offer security to me; because he is Adventist, I expected him to be of high character as he portrayed himself.

My faith was shaken after our second-born arrived because I just couldn’t reconcile how my husband, as the “representative of Jesus on earth”, could be so neglectful of himself, the marriage, and even of the kids. He doesn’t engage in spiritual discussion or family dynamics, but he so loyal to his family of origin and to the Adventist church.

This situation led me to be angry with God as I believed He led me to this man. I went off on a tangent for a week or so and questioned if the Bible was even true. I was consuming new age material. I now know it was not God who necessarily led me to marry him, but the brainwashing from being Adventist led me to ignore all red flags and only consider Adventism as a criteria for a partner. The most important quality of a husband was that he be Adventist.

I am writing to ask you how I can minister to him for the sake of my children. He wants to take them to Adventist church and Adventist Youth, and my conscience just won’t let me. I am worried if we split and have shared custody, he will then have access to them without my being able to protect them. His family will also have access to enmesh them.

How do I sustain my marriage while having such a huge fundamental difference?

Can I divorce him on emotional neglect grounds?

How do I protect my children?

How can I lead them or teach them the gospel?

I feel like if I can convince him Ellen White is a fraud and that the Sabbath is not the day of worship or a condition for salvation, he will be able to get on the right path to Jesus’ true gospel, and the rest will fall into place. I know all of this is the work of the Holy Sprit, but he is open to hear what I have to say. Concise material is more impactful as he has a really short attention span.

—VIA EMAIL

Response: Thank you so much for writing! I feel for you and understand SO well what you are describing. 

First, I want to address your concern with the marriage. Both my husband and I had first marriages that we entered into when we were Adventists, and we both went through divorces as Adventists. We both endured a great deal of guilt and insecurity, but as the Lord showed us His gospel and brought us to faith, He helped us realize that our first marriages were actually “cult marriages” that we entered into believing, in our Adventist worldview, that we were making right decisions. We married Adventists, and we believed that we were doing the right thing. 

I had to face the fact that, even though I was an Adventist, I finally saw that my marriage and my divorce were both the product of my sin, and I had to repent. I had to ask the Lord to forgive my choices that I made based on my natural sinful values—and the beauty of the entire process is that He forgives! While I will always have regrets for the past, I no longer feel paralyzed by guilt and shame. The Lord has redeemed my past and has forgiven me and has given me a new identity in Him.…

I want you to know that, even if your marriage were to end in divorce—and I’m not saying it will—the Lord knows what your children need. Even if it takes some time, He knows how to bring your children to a safe home where He is honored and they are safe. 

That being said, I want to encourage you to do what you know the Lord is leading you to do. Teach your children the true gospel. Read the Bible to them, and teach them about Jesus and how He has saved us completely when we trust His death for our sins and His resurrection that broke ur curse of death. I also encourage you to take them to a Christian church. It may antagonize your husband—but truly the Lord knows what you should do, and He will lead you. Yet this I know: the Lord protects His own—even if circumstances are very hard and even frightening—and He opens the doors for His will to be accomplished.

I encourage you to read 1 Corinthians 7. It is direct advice to those living with unbelieving spouses. Paul is clear that if the unbeliever wants to live peacefully with the believer, the believer is to let the unbeliever stay, but if the unbeliever wishes to leave, let him leave because the Lord’s will is that we live in peace. Read the chapter and ask the Lord to show you what to do.

I find it very encouraging that your husband is open to hear what you know. If your husband is open to knowing and wants to stay with you, that is a positive sign because it means he is not hostile to actually living in the presence of the Holy Spirit who is in you. If he wants to leave, perhaps he is uncomfortable in the presence of the Lord in you. I cannot promise that it will be easy or that there is an “easy” path to pursue this. But I know that the Lord is in this. 

First, I would ask your husband if he would be willing just to read the Bible with you. If so, don’t try to “teach” him, but literally just read through the Bible books you choose, one chapter at a time. I suggest you begin with Galatians. Read one chapter at a time, and then talk about what you read. Read in the normal fashion: pay attention to context, to vocabulary, to the original audience. Read as you would read a normal book. If Paul says “law”, he means the entire old covenant law—not the Decalogue. The words mean what the words say. Remind your husband that God supervised the words of Scripture, and our job is to believe that the words mean what the words say. Don’t go to commentaries (or Adventist material) to interpret the words. The words mean what the words say. 

After reading through Galatians, go to Colossians, to Ephesians, to Hebrews, and to John. This will take time—but I don’t know a better way to get your husband’s mind to begin to see reality. 

Also, I suggest that you watch some videos with him. Here are three that address the core of Adventism that I believe will be accessible to him. Watch with him. 

The Bible reading is perhaps the most important piece of all of this because God’s word is living, and it changes our hearts and minds. 

There are many other videos on the Former Adventist YouTube channel that you might want to pursue; we also have the Former Adventist Fact Check podcasts that address the problems in each Sabbath School lesson. But start with the videos below. 

I pray that the Lord will direct you and show you His will and that He will open your husband’s heart and cause him to see the Lord Jesus and His finished work and bring him to faith. I pray that He will show you how to be a godly wife in this in this difficult situation and that the Lord will teach your husband how to be a man of conviction and integrity.

Please feel free to email anytime!

Access to Grandchildren Denied 

Please send me your magazine. I have been a Christian for almost 50 years. My daughter just remarried a few years ago to a Seventh-day Adventist, and he has brainwashed her and her two children, ages 12 and 14, into believing anything their church teaches. I tried to explain to the 12-year-old that he was being taught heresy, and I was severely reprimanded for doing so. I cannot keep silent on the matter, so I have been denied access to my grandkids. I am turning 80 in September and am so desperate to win them back to Christ. Thank you for any help you can give.

—VIA EMAIL

Response: Thank you so much for writing! I am so very sorry to hear about this painful schism in your family. You are absolutely right: Adventism has brainwashed her and her children. It is a false gospel based on a false worldview: the great controversy worldview fashioned on the basis of Ellen White’s visions. Many Adventists do not know that their worldview is not derived from the Bible but is derived from the visions of a false prophet—yet it is true.

I have signed you up for our weekly Proclamation! email. If you want your daughter to receive it as well, I can sign her up if I have her email address. You can also sign her up by using the sign-up link on our homepage: ProclamationMagazine.com

Although we are not currently publishing a printed version of Proclamation! magazine, all our back issues are online here: https://lifeassuranceministries.org/magazine-archive/ 

We have also added your name to our weekly Proclamation! email updates. You may need to add the email address lifeassuranceministries@gmail.com to your contacts in order for the email not to be directed toward your Spam folder. These emails will arrive every Friday. Articles are available at our website.  

You might also enjoy our YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/user/FormerAdventist/featured

Also, you might like to subscribe to our Former Adventist Podcast here; many say these help them unpack the Adventism hidden in the recesses of their minds: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/former-adventist/id1482887969

In addition, we have another podcast called Former Adventist Fact Check in which we talk through the misinformation contained in the weekly Sabbath School lessons. You can find them here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/adventist-fact-check-with-colleen-tinker/id1721662293

Both podcasts are also on our YouTube channel above. 

Please feel free to email any time. Your pain is real, and only the Lord can reverse this situation. Yet He is bigger than all evil and deception! †

 

Colleen Tinker
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