Della Grabow

 

Driving away from a visit with Adventist loved ones, I feel heavy. Searching for clarity, I remember there had been moments of love and connection that would suddenly give way to disapproval and insecurity. I was never sure what to expect. Now, off balance and desperately seeking my footing, I begin to pray and absently start the CD player. A song begins to play:

"…this is how it feels to be free, this is what it means to know that I'm forgiven; this is how it feels to be free, to see that life can be more than I imagined; there are days when I'm reminded of the prison I was in, like a living nightmare burning from within, I can feel the voice of evil, I can hear the call of sin, but I won't go back again you see, once I've tasted freedom then the walls confine no more, since mercy gave me wings to fly, like an eagle I can soar; this is how it feels to be free, this is what it means to know that I'm forgiven…."*

Within seconds the cloud lifts, and the freedom I have known for the past nine years returns.

What just happened? How did I go from despair to peace, reassurance and joy? The answer is simple but profound: Jesus and all that He is to me. But let me go back to the beginning.

 

How it began

I was born and raised in a multi-generational Seventh-day Adventist home. I spent most of my growing-up years in an Adventist community near the hospital, church, junior academy, retirement homes, and my father's dental office. Here I began to learn and practice Adventism.

Ellen G. White (EGW) with her extensive writings was the system's cornerstone. Her words taught us what we should eat, drink, and wear, and how to get to heaven. She was our commander-in-chief. I quickly learned to march in step.

I tried hard to be good; compliance was imperative to my going to heaven. Fear drove me. Before bedtime I apologized to everyone I might have wronged, terrified that my name might come up before God in the investigative judgment. Deep anxiety took root in me and gradually projected tentacles into every aspect of my life.

If salvation depended on perfect performance, I concluded, my value as a person did also. If I ironed, I wouldn't miss a wrinkle. If I studied, I had to secure an "A". If I skied, I pursued the most aggressive technique. Yet every time I approached success, I encountered some obstacle which left me off balance, confused, and insecure.

As a teenager I discovered the rules I had learned sometimes contradicted each other. For example, I had to look good, but I might be criticized for using cosmetics. At 13, I attended a Bible study given by Lena Katie Jones who, as a young girl, had heard Ellen White speak. In her 80's, Lena was considered a saint within our local church. As she taught the investigative judgment, she stopped suddenly and went to each girl in the class. She lifted the hair off our foreheads and through thick glasses examined our eyelids for eye-shadow. We were utterly shamed.

Two different Della's started to emerge. The public Della was a good, confident Adventist; the private Della was shattered inside. Alone with myself, I would drive my Ford Fiesta miles upon miles, running away from everyone and everything inside me. Sugar became my "drug". Once I ate an entire package of chocolate fudge cookies and then swam one-and-a-half miles in the Pacific Union College pool to offset all those calories. I continued this behavior throughout college.

Seeking diversion and adventure, I went to Indonesia as a student missionary (SM) between my sophomore and junior years of college. I had no motivation to share religion; I had nothing in me to share. I had trouble adjusting to SM life, living in close proximity to three other people. The lack of privacy modulated my eating extremes, and stripped of my coping techniques, I had difficulty managing the culture shock. I lost any sense of equilibrium I'd had before. My problems escalated, and I retreated further and further inward.

 

Dead inside

By the time I began Physical Therapy (PT) school, I was so paralyzed by fear of not being at the top of my class that I missed the first week of cadaver dissection. I could no longer hide the private Della; my brokenness was in full view.

Nothing felt secure; I was completely lost and dead inside, and I didn't know where to find answers. My Adventism left me unequipped, yet I believed the Seventh-day Adventist church was "the religion" of all religions. There was logically nowhere else to go within Christianity.

Soon after graduation I moved to the liberal community of Boulder, Colorado, and opened my mind to alternatives. Meeting a kind Muslim patient, I briefly considered learning Islam, but soon I settled upon learning the precepts of Buddhism. Environmentalism grabbed me; it was all about creating my perfect existence. I recycled obsessively and sought in nature a sense of freedom, and life.

About this time I became aware of God drawing me to Him—not to the EGW version of Him, but to something new. I was sharing an apartment with my best friend Julia from PT school. Her Aunt Rosalie would call her; frequently I'd answer the phone, and a friendship began to develop between us. Once Julia shared a letter from Rosalie in which she encouraged Julia to seek God unencumbered by her Adventist beginnings. That challenge suggested new possibilities. During this time another friend encouraged me to read Martin Luther's discussion of grace. Wow! Nothing within Adventism had kindled this spark of hope, and I wondered if it were true. Nevertheless, Adventism continued to control me.

I accepted a position as a PT director in charge of management, development, and patient caseloads. Concurrently I began training for a winter triathlon and worked hard 19 hours every day. Within months I developed a mysterious flu-like illness that refused to resolve. I had to resign my directorship. I was only 28 years old and had a broken body. Stripped of being able to secure my worth through strength and hard work, I no longer wanted to live my life.

For nine years I wandered—through five states, two continents, and multiple bad decisions—driven by fear and desperation. I fell in love with a man 20 years my senior. We were both in a post-Adventist haze but without personal knowledge of Jesus, and we bought what the culture was selling. Our relationship was turbulent, yet we agreed to marriage—a decision which only escalated the tensions.

It was within this context that my life started to change.

 

Discovering reality

My friend Rosalie had been a spiritual constant through my wandering. We talked often, but now something was different about her. Instead of directives, she pointed me to Jesus and prayed with me. I wanted to know the reasons behind this change.

I started reading books that examined EGW and Adventism. One book particularly struck me: D. M. Canright's Life of Mrs. E. G. White, Seventh-day Adventist Prophet, Her False Claims Refuted. Canright was not only a former Adventist but was also a contemporary of EGW. His documented critique of her erroneous claims led me to the conviction that she was a false prophet. The cornerstone of the Adventist church is a woman whose writings disagree with the Bible. To see Adventism as a fraudulent religion shook my core and challenged any remnants of allegiance.

Even though my foundation was broken, I thought that if I lived in the right place with the right person, I would be content. My husband and I moved to northern Norway, a utopia of cross-country skiing and breathtaking scenery. My fantasy ended abruptly, however, and I found myself going back to America—alone.

I settled in Southern California where I had friends, and soon after arrival, I was invited to attend Trinity Church in Redlands. I'll never forget that first visit. The greeters welcomed me with warmth; I looked around the worshiping congregation and saw tears and joy. The sermon ended with a call to trust Jesus. While I didn't know what trusting Jesus meant, I knew I had found something compelling.

The next Friday evening I was invited to the Former Adventist Fellowship Bible study at Trinity church. I joined the group's study of Galatians—the very words in which Martin Luther had discovered grace!

It seemed Paul was writing his letter directly to me. Like the Galatians, I was confused about my relationship to the Old Testament law. Now, reading the Bible without EGW's input, I began to understand that Jesus' life and death fulfilled the law and prophets. Both Jew and Gentile are under a new covenant with God. Gradually the gospel of Jesus Christ began to sound like good news!

Paul says it clearly in Galatians 2:16 (NIV): "know that a man is not justified by observing the law, but by faith in Jesus Christ. So we, too, have put our faith in Christ Jesus that we may be justified by faith in Christ and not by observing the law, because by observing the law no one will be justified."

Adventism had blinded me from seeing the fullness of Jesus—who He is, what He did for me on the cross, and what He continues to do for me. Now, at last, the veil has lifted and my eyes fall upon Jesus. He is there on the cross—fully God (Jn. 1:1) and fully man (Jn. 1:14) so that He is my sin offering (Rom. 8:3) whereby my sins are forgiven, and I am declared righteous and justified before God (Rom. 3:24) by simply trusting Jesus Christ (Rom. 2:8,9).

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus, the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death" (Rom. 8:1,2).

There is now only one Della. In Jesus, I am a daughter of my Father in heaven, born again of the Spirit and being transformed by Him. I still have moments of despair, confusion, and insecurity, but Jesus lifts me into His joy, peace, and hope., and my purpose is clear. Jesus is God's final Word to us—we need no other (Heb. 1:1-4).

Glory Hallelujah, I am FREE! †

 

*By Shawn Craig, Dave Clark and Don Koch

 

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HOME / PROCLAMATION! MAGAZINE / 2010 / APRIL MAY JUNE / STORIES OF FAITH

Della Grabow lives in Lake Arrowhead, California and loves her work as a Physical Therapist. She delights in God's faithfulness to her in spite of continued health challenges. Della attends Former Adventist Fellowship Bible study and Trinity Church in Redlands when she is able.

April May June 2010
VOLUME 11, ISSUE 2

D E P A R T M E N T S

STORIES of Faith

This is how it feels to be free!