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The life EXAMINED with Carolyn Macomber
HONOR YOUR FATHER
AND MOTHER
The topic for this column is laced with potential emotional triggers, because all of us have parents. Moreover, many reading this column are parents. Parent relationships can span the entire spectrum from loving to abusive, from shaming to empowering, and from guilt-producing to forgiving. Since the spectrum is vast, I will limit my focus to the commands to honor one’s parents and for parents not to embitter their children.
Recently I had a conversation with an adult child who was distraught over a recent talk with his/her parents. (To protect confidentiality I will use general terms.) Unfortunately, the parent was wielding the Bible like a sword to get a desired response from the adult child. Instead of seeking to find common ground, the parent was manipulating the adult offspring with Scripture. The point of this exchange, in fact, wasn’t biblical obedience but spiritual abuse. I was saddened as I listened. The parent quoted the command in Exodus, “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you,” and then said, “I don't understand how you can say that you follow the Bible when you don’t honor me, your parent.” The parent wanted to push past a boundary the adult child had tried to set and was upset about bumping into it. The “child”, on the other hand, wanted to follow Scripture but knew that a boundary needed to be established.
When Scripture is wielded in this way it always concerns me. This type of Scripture use is not meant to encourage or to convict but to produce false guilt for selfish reasons and gain.
Let me be clear; I do believe we are to follow Scripture and honor our fathers and mothers. This command becomes tricky, however, when manipulation or abuse is present. Often those who quote, “Honor your father and mother” seem to forget that Scripture also commands, “Parents, do not exasperate your children” (Eph. 6:4).
Instead of using the word “exasperate”, the English Standard Bible translates the Greek word in Eph. 6:4 (parorigzo) as “provoke to anger”, or irritate. Parents are not to provoke their children. Similarly, Colossians captures the tension in parent-child relationships in chapter 3:20-21: “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” The Greek word erethizo, which is translated above as “embitter”, can also be translated “to incite”. Moreover, the word for “obey” means “to listen”. In other words, children are to listen to their parents, for this pleases the Lord, and parents are not to incite or embitter their children.
How does a person deal with the tension between honoring one’s parents and setting healthy boundaries? Does honoring a parent mean doing whatever they ask? Are children‚ even adult ones—to obey their parents even when the parent asks the child to do something against the child’s own conscience? These questions are heavy. Furthermore, each backdrop behind these questions is different. It would not be wise, therefore, to write a quick answer to such emotionally charged concerns.
Nevertheless, I do want to point out a designation in Scripture that identifies when someone’s child transitions into behaving as an adult. Genesis 2:24 mentions that a man will leave his father and mother and cling to his wife, and Mathew 19:5 echoes this command. The word for “leave” in each of these verses indicates departing, going away almost with a component of abandoning. In other words, these verses are saying that adult children need to be set free to live their own lives—just as the parents once left to live theirs. This “leaving”, however, is hard to do when a parent’s heart has been enmeshed with one’s child. Ironically, giving an adult child the freedom to leave also gives him or her the freedom to come back and visit—guilt free.
In conclusion, adult children are not to be controlled or manipulated into doing whatever a parent asks (embittering), and Scripture asks both the parent and the child to give precedence to the marriage relationship.
Ultimately, these commands are for us all, “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged” (Eph. 6:1, 4). Finally, these commands clarify as we live them out with the sacrificial love Jesus said would be the mark of His disciples (Jn. 13:35). †
Copyright 2014 Life Assurance Ministries, Inc., Camp Verde, Arizona, USA. All rights reserved. Revised August 15, 2014. Contact email: proclamation@gmail.com
S U M M E R • 2 0 1 4
VOLUME 15, ISSUE 2
Carolyn Macomber was a doctoral student at Andrews University when she discovered inconsistencies between Adventism and the Bible. She withdrew her membership from the Seventh-day Adventist Church in 2009. She is a member of The Chapel Evangelical Free Church in St. Joseph, Michigan, where she is the leader of a Former Adventist Fellowship. She works helping families prepare their children for school readiness.
